Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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