i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
