I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
