your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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