my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
