also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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