I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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