Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
