so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
