mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
