If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
