I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
