After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
