I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize
