He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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