I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
