my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
