guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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