I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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