Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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