Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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