Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
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