remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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