My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
