I can text with my tongue
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
