Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
