last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
