I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
