I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
