when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
