So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
