1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
