apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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