Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
