I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
