I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
