Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
