Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
