Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
