You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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