my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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