my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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