I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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