Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
