Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You're like the curious george of whores
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
