like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
