Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
