Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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