I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
