Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
