i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
